Today is New Year’s Day. The first day of the year. It’s fresh, new and full of possibility. Every year I make resolutions. Some I keep and some go out the window the moment I say it. This year my resolutions are simple. I resolve to wear pink on Wednesdays because, well, I like pink, and because it takes me back to my ballet days of a soft pink attitude in a strictly disciplined, very sweaty artistic world. I also resolve to drink more water. Water will give me life and energy and if I’m hydrated I will look better in my pink on Wednesdays. We girls want to be pretty. Pretty in pink. Pretty is as pretty does. Pretty is a state of mind. I am no longer denying it. I’m owning it. I’m owning the fact that I adore pink. And finally, I resolve to dance. Dance has been my friend, has saved me, made me crazy, kept me sane. Sometimes I have the opportunity to dance and I sit it out. This year, if the opportunity presents itself, by goodness, I’m going to dance! Happy New Year! I love you.
My son is an athlete and this weekend he broke his hand. He most likely needs surgery and he’ll be out for the season. He has a good attitude about the injury, and in his attitude I see how much he’s grown, how much he’s learned in these past few years that we’ve had together. We truly have learned to turn a challenge into an opportunity. There’s no sitting down here; we’re moving forward. Rather, he’s moving forward. Sometimes I forget that I am not him and he is not me. I forget that he has become a man. They tell me this is normal mother-thinking. Every day I’m learning to be a mother. In moments like this, in times such as this, I believe that I have become a mother.
Look for the beauty in all things and surprisingly you will find all things full of beauty…
I’m very protective of the children who depend on me.
I never thought that I’d be called mom, and now that I answer to that call, every time I hear that sacred name, I get chills and I’m taken outside of myself and into another realm. That name “mom” sends me to a plane of gratitude. Hearing the word uttered, no matter what the tone may be, makes me happy beyond the description I try to so desperately convey.
I wanted to belong, to feel needed, and now that I’m called “mom” I attest that my purpose has been realized.
If I sound like a cliche, please do forgive as I relish in this small window of wonder, as it is so swiftly passing.
Soon my child(ren) will be off and gone and I will again be that woman searching….
So if one is grateful for the air that we breathe, how can the glass ever be half empty?
It happened suddenly. In my darkness he appeared. He came right to me in the candlelit, cave-like pub a few blocks away from the solace of my home. I was in the depths of grief and only came out at night, or when a caring friend would drag me, deeming it necessary I get out from under my cover. I knew him from another past, and though he was familiar and bore striking resemblance to a painful memory, he was new and fresh, and he told me stories on my right side as my friend whispered “be careful” on my left. His enchanting, animated stories in the abbreviated moment of that dark music hall enticed me as much as the storyteller himself. The candlelight gave his eyes an amber sparkle that matched his perfect teeth smile. He had a glorious energy and for some moments in those hours there in that pub I forgot that my heart was broken. In the early morning hours after the band announced last call, I said I had to go. He laughed and said the night had just started.
He followed me out into life. He called and proposed that we meet. He had the same face as the love I’d lost, and rather than hold that against him, I embraced it. He had a story, a sad one, just like mine, and though I’d heard this story before, I was blinded by the light of his incredible energy. I didn’t see that he was a wicked angel.
He lived on the edge and tested the gods on any given day. He claimed he was on the high road. He’d left the rat race for a life in pictures and music. He was the great editor by day and worked well into night. He finished things. He lived in a room of darkness with the only light being the glare of a monitor. He cut things. He took short stories and made them pretty. Or shorter.
He appeared out of nowhere, sometimes in the middle of the night, ringing my bell and begging me to come out and have a dance. That’s what he called our nights out, a dance night, because you see, I am a dancer. He had a wonderful stamina of celebrating till dawn. He talked a spiritual talk, how making music was his religion. He worshiped his bass guitar and referred to his instrument as a woman.
He talked of his world travels and where next he wanted to go. He had loved a Mexican princess once who’d left him for royalty and now lived across the bridge in Brooklyn. He admitted in a weak moment he’d begged her back, making a fool of himself on a New York City bus. All his stories had strange twists and perceptions of the world, with a warped slant. That was part of his maddening charm.
He walked with a groovy rhythm that he claimed came from years of creating a bass line for the music he played. It was a strut, not effeminate, and sometimes rather cute, but soon I learned that his walk was a sign. I don’t know why I didn’t see that he was a wicked angel.
He drank kava as a ritual. There was a whole ceremony that came with it. Sometimes he wore a sarong when he was in that kava mood. It was something that was shared with him in some South American country where he had traveled, and he thought it was his calling to share it with the world, or with me late on a Friday night to calm my nerves after a tense week in my dreadful advertising world. His perception, not mine.
He sang me sweet songs that were meant only for me. He wrote a song about me called “She Flies” and I admit, I was touched by the gesture. Even that song gave me messages that I didn’t hear. His words were crystal that I couldn’t see through. I didn’t want to see that he was a wicked angel.
He told me white lies and then I began to see. He’d disappear for days, return and be bothered when I asked where he’d been. He wasn’t full of goodness and pure energy in those days. He was down and needed to pull the shades. His apartment smelled of stale cigarettes and musty towels when he retreated to this place. I tried to help but there was no helping him. He lived by the code of the spoon till he’d have too much and have to do his cleanse. His nostrils got raw and bloody, and he’d have nose bleeds at the most inconvenient times. He’d miss work and risk his employment status. His personality became dark and he’d want to be alone. He kept this secret from me for two years. I suppose I didn’t want to see because he was an angel, if wicked at that.
It’s one of those days…
Thinking of another moment in time.
A smell in the air,
The light of the day,
And how the shadows
Hit the pavement,
And the ocean air lingered
On that highway ride
It’s one of those days
Of past memory…
Another moment in time
When it was an essence
And Gratitude sang.